Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
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I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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