please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
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I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
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I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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