youre lurking in front of me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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