Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
