Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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