I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
