You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
