I'd wear matching sweaters with you
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
