The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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