sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
