I got chris browned last night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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