Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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