onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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