Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
