Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
