theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
