Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
