im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Sorry my hands just texted you
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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