Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's blow job season.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I want to be your penis for a week.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
