You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
