My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
