It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
