I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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