You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
