I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
