So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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