thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
