dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
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The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
tell me about the eggs
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