i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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