dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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