How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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