I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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