Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
