I cannot find my penis.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
