Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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