remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
