i was born a porn star she said
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
