Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
