I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
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Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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