It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
this just has baby written all over it
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Found the puke drawer
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
