6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
