Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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