There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
