Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
