So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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