If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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