I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
