About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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