I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize