I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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