haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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