I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I party with great urgency now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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