I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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