You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize