We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
