At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
